"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."
Clever words from that poet of poets, Billy Shakespeare.
One of the greatest fiction tales of all time, Romeo and Juliet.
A young man infatuated with a young woman. Family position keeps them apart. Love draws them together. Sad circumstances; brokenness, tragic ending.
In my opinion, a terrible, albeit incredibly powerful, real-life metaphor for what happens everyday in many relationships: destruction from bad choices.
Yesterday we talked about how many marriage relationships begin: Love Drunk and Blind.
Today I want to discuss how a relationship might avoid many of the pitfalls that I see when couples come into my office for help. I want to define what LOVE really is and apply that to the dating world.
So let's talk definitions.
LOVE
The first definition I get when looking up the word, "love," in the dictionary is,
"a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person."
How true.
I can totally see how that definition of love is a part of the word.
A young man meets a young woman. They begin to spend time together, doing things that are mutually entertaining. While spending time together, certain triggers are pulled within the brain telling a person either,
"I want to know this person more deeply."
Or:
"I have got to get out of this situation....this person is crazy with a capital PSYCHO."
Or something similar to that...;)
When the decision is made to get to know a person on a deeper level, usually, reason begins to walk out the window. We discussed that yesterday: strong emotions sometimes blind us to the relationship killing aspects of another person's personality. Usually, it's only when marriage begins and you're legally and morally bound to that person for life that the little quirks that you thought were cute become huge mountains of pain and disgust.
But that's not the way it has to happen.
Unfortunately, the dictionary is incredibly shortsighted when it comes to any real, working definition of the word, "Love."
If we left love at that definition, we'd have even more failed marriages today; they would start tender and affectionate and would end up eroding your very will to live.
We simply must go to a stronger, higher level of authority to define our word.
Since we're Christians (although I realize some of you are not and again, I insist that if you keep reading the blogs I will talk to you more specifically) we know that the ultimate authority in the universe is God; and He has spoken plainly in the Bible.
So how does the Bible define the word?
There are certainly several passages that will do it justice:
whether it be a huge, macro, all encompassing love like the word we find in John 3:16,
"For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life."
That's a big love. That's bigger than our topic today. That's huge.
Is there a smaller kind of love? Is there a love that is more on a level of our attainment; one that doesn't require the death of a Son to pay for the sins of the world?
Yes. There is story after story after story of people loving other people in ways that are remarkable. But ultimately, if we want to know how to love another, we must look to our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ.
"No one takes it (His life) from me, but I lay it down of my own accord." (John 10:18)
One mark of a healthy relationship: the willingness to willingly sacrifice for another person.
Parents, rather, good parents know this. A good parent lays down their life for their child. Maybe not literally everyday, but definitely figuratively and definitely everyday.
Are you the type of person who puts other people ahead of yourself? Do you let other people get more than you? Do you allow others to have their way in situations that are normally occurring everyday?
Can you say of yourself, "I consider others better than myself?" (See Philippians 2)
Are you the type of person who, when it comes to things that are a matter of choice, will let others enjoy their choice instead of forcing yours? We're talking here about an attitude. A way of thinking. It's a way that is contrary to most people. Most people insist on their way:
A husband might insist on watching football every Sunday at certain times. A wife might insist on something else just as ridiculous.
Both could use a lesson in self-sacrifice for the benefit of others.
That is one characteristic of a person who will make a good spouse. But I'm not talking about letting other people just run over you and never speaking up. For if both people in a relationship are considering the other person better than themselves as the Bible would command us, a strong and healthy relational bond is possible.
So, Love is also sacrificial.
Love says to the other person, I'm willing to give up my way in order to be one. I'm willing to deny myself and be together in unity. Love considers others first.
What else is love?
Let's look again to the Bible.
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?"
Jesus sets the world on it's head here. He says to love those who are against us. And He points out that Christians do this; it is a defining characteristic of a Christian to love their enemy. Christians love those who hate us.
Ouch.
He then points to the fact that even people who aren't born-again can love those who are easy to love. Anyone can love the lovable. It takes something special to love the unlovable.
So a characteristic of someone who would be worth your time dating (and therefore, a characteristic that you should have) should be that they love across emotionally distressing walls that have been build up with sins against them. Love tears down walls. Love smashes into the bedrock of hate and builds a foundation that can last.
Ladies, does the guy you're interested in sacrifice his own personal wants and desires for the benefit of others? Does he consider others better than himself and willingly sacrifice his time, talent and treasure when it doesn't benefit him and helps other people?
Guys, does that, 'lil sweet thang' you have your eye on love people who trash talk her? Does she love other girls who gossip about her? Has she forgiven people from her past who have hurt her?
If your answer to any of those questions is no, you can be sure that those negative qualities will be directed towards you at some point in the relationship. A girl who can't love, "mean girls," because they're mean isn't mature in her faith. A guy who prioritizes watching sports to family or church isn't mature in his faith.
(lol i wonder who just stopped reading this because of those last two sentences.)
I don't know a lot of couples who ask those questions of each other early in the relationship. (or late in the relationship)
So to summarize our first two points:
1. Love considers others before themselves,
and,
2. Love loves those that hate them back.
How are you doing with those two things? If you are a Christian, those two things do mark your life. Of course, not perfectly, but you're growing in them and the person you desire to marry should be purposefully growing in them as well.
A conscious effort on your part to think deeply about the kind of person you are and the kind of person you want to marry will keep you from many woefully challenging problems in a marriage; not all problems, that's impossible. But you would certainly have a better shot than the lovers in our poet Shakespeare's play:
"For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo."
See ya tomorrow,
bp
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